Bugglescoop: The sun? Free. No dessert? Free.

Dear Jergens Corporation Marketing, Research and Development People:

Recently I purchased from Target your product, Natural Glow "Firming" Daily Moisturizer. I debated for a moment there in the overstocked skincare aisle, vacillating (as I am wont to do) between the myriad options before me. Among the questions complicating my decision:

1) Jergens brand or Target brand? Having recently been burned after discovering my "compare to Crest" Target brand dental floss was actually a reel of seafoam green gardening twine, this was a relatively easy choice.
2) Original formula or "firming"? No contest. It's the end of July, and I'd call in the National Guard if I thought it might help my cause.
3) How dark is too dark? Would "FAIR" show up at all, given my midsummer farmer tan? "DARK" might put me into Donatella territory. I settled on the innocuous-sounding "MEDIUM."

It's been a couple of weeks now since that fateful moment at Target, and I have some concerns. I know what you're thinking: PARABENS. CANCER. IMPENDING LITIGATION. But you can relax. I can't get any of my attorney friends to return my calls. I'm thinking they don't want to associate with me because a) I'm still pale, and b) I'm still squishy.

So that leaves me pondering: is "subtle skin darkening" just industry jargon for "not at all visible to the naked eye"? And while I don't purport to be some kind of cosmeceutical expert, I'm thinking that in order to achieve a "firming" effect, you might want to consider adding something a little more potent. Like maybe some epoxy-based resins.

I had high hopes for your product, Jergens People. Maybe I'm partly to blame, for foolishly believing that a firm, natural glow can be safely guaranteed for $6.99. But mostly I think it's your fault, for testing it out on a bunch of anorexic albinos and calling it a day.