Dear Kids,

Sorry.

Sincerely,
Joan Crawford

P.s. This doesn't change the fact that you both SUCKED today.

By popular demand

People, are you sitting down?

Because apparently, some of you are reading this.

And moreover, some of you are actually anticipating additional drivel.

I know. I almost fell out of my chair, too.

Anyway, I'm making an early new year's resolution (and we all know what happens to those) to post more frequently. It's just that between coughing up chunky green boogers, swirl-cleaning size 2T gorilla-print briefs* and monitoring the state of Padma's** botox treatments on Top Chef, I'm actually quite occupied.

That's how much I love my fans.


*It's quite an art form, in fact. You have to hold on to the undies for dear life, lest they be sucked into the danger zone by the toilet's powerful flush. Ah, but bowl-soaking is only the beginning of a poo panty's (or in this case, poo-boxer-brief's) long journey to cleanliness. Next comes the waiting period in the holding bucket until a full load of soiled comrades accumulates, followed by the first of two cold water rinses and a complete hot water wash. I heart potty training.

**Could she be hotter? Would you think so if you caught her swirl-cleaning?

This month's mantra

Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.
Eating my childrens' leftovers does not fight global poverty.